It’s March Madness time!
And not a moment too soon–I was starting to run out of ways to not work while at the office!
Okay, not really, but now I have a new problem; how to watch every single game at the office. Thankfully, the Information Super Highway, CBS and its affiliates, and the NCAA provide you with a plethora of viewing options, from a vast array of new-fangled devices. Here’s some tips on how to keep your game watching on the DL.
1) The Extended Poop Sesh: Trust me, if anyone is timing your bowel movements with a stop watch, they’ll be getting a visit from HR. Go ahead, take two hours in the bathroom. This effectively wipes out any phone calls from clients you might receive, which makes it even more peaceful. Grab your Beats by Dre headphones and zone out while you occasionally squeeze a loaf or tinkle.
2) The Fake Phone Call: “Excuse me, guys, I really need to take this!” This fake emergency bullshit is always great. Hell, I’m pretty sure my great grandmother died like 6 times while I was in college. No one ever fucks with family stuff, so tell ’em Aunt Sue called and said your pet iguana Harold has just been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Even if you can’t leave work, you can at least leave a meeting for an all important score check. This is crucial for unplanned meetings. If your boss is a dick, he/she is bound to schedule something right in the middle of a close game.
3) Get Drunk at Lunch: Where else but a sports bar are you going to be able to watch 9 TVs? Exactly. And who can sit at a bar and not drink? This one’s pretty simple. Plus, having a few 10 point craft beers in your stomach makes the rest of the workday just barely tolerable. I’d recommend Wychwood’s “Hob Goblin”. Here’s to hoping the carbs last you until 5 o’clock. CHEERS!!
4) The Office Body Double: If you can’t get away, this may be your best bet. The key is to make it look as real as possible. So don’t hesitate to cover it with a cardigan and plaid tie in a Windsor knot. The details make the man, do they not? Splash some Acqua di Gio on your paper doppelganger and call it good. Certainly, if you have the resources, animatronics that enable your look-a-like to type would be ideal. Also, motion-activated vocal mumblings, vexing stares that shoot lasers, and the sound of a squeaking office chair set to continual repeat on iTunes are valuable touches. Enjoy your time at home, Mr. Bueller!
5) Create a Diversion: This may be extreme, but it’s March Madness, people! You can always start a simple bum fire in your cubicle, juuust to empty the place for a day. I mean, really, no harm, no foul. Laptops are fairly cheap nowadays, and lying to insurance agents is easier than you think. Now, the sprinklers can get pretty crazy, so make sure to pack a light poncho (anything too heavy could make you sweat in the new found humidity), fedora or cowboy hat, and be sure and cover that coffee you just mixed up in the office kitchenette. Also, leave the suede shoes at home.
UPDATE: Here’s a look at my daring work bracket that cost me ten doll hairs:
|Click to enlarge.|
Here are my numerous ESPN brackets (You get a limit of ten?):
|My (Ingenious) Girlfriend’s|